Does My Dog Think He’s a Human?

Close up image of a dogs nose

Why on earth would you possibly attempt to demote our cognitive capacity to such limited means of intellectual comprehension? We’re smarter than humans – that much is obvious. Which brings us to the core of this article: Does my dog think he’s a human?

Dogs have an encompassing awareness with the capacity to tap into differentiating factors between themselves and their human counterparts. In short, your dog does not think he’s a human.

I, (say your name here), choose the right to avoid contingency readings herein after as permitted by JTB publications. I (your name again) regard other articles in pale comparison to the brilliant Work of said JTB publications to honor the highlighted material in (Santa) Clause 3 from above. Ha. I can’t believe you just read that. I made it up.

Disclaimer: The Can My Dog articles contain information based on the individual research and opinions of the author of the site – who just so happens to be a dog. How you utilize the information given is completely up to you. Proceed at your own risk.

You Let Your Dog Sleep with You – He Must Think He’s a Human

Wrong. We let you sleep with us. Who do you think keeps the bed warm while you’re out dingle hopping all day doing who knows what?

That’s right. We do. And you’re welcome.

I read an article last week claiming to make an absurd ground breaking discovery. “”Studies suggest” that by allowing your dog to sleep in the bed with you will eventually make them think they’re human like you. Allowing for an absence of the “master / animal” differentiation that comes from “human bed” versus “dog bed”.

Well, I’ve got news for you, clueless publisher of strongly misinformed article.

Allowing us to sleep in your bed with you (it’s not your bed) doesn’t magically transform our innate animalistic senses into drunken human goggles. We still know we’re the superior dog breed, and you the lowly hairless human creatures.

Your Dog Seems to Understand You Perfectly – He Must Think He’s a Human

We speak English. Of course we understand you.

I’m confused on your confusion here.

Help me help you.

If I’m understanding this justification correctly, you think that when we twist our heads to the side in direct recognition of the nonsense spewing out of your mouth, then you think that we think that we’re humans too?

Am I accurate in my assumptions here?

This is preposterous. Completely, unequivocally, categorically, and unambiguously ludicrous. And quite frankly, I’m offended. As should the rest of my dog race be.

Here’s a better question for you, human. In what realm of fairy land never-verse would you assume that we would even want to be humans? I’ve seen how you all act in public. Quite frankly, there’s a lot left to be desired.

I think a better serving blog post would address all of the reasons that humans should strive to be more like their dogs. That would be a series of high quality reading material right there.

More of my material on communicating with your dog.

My Dog is Just Like Me – He Hates to Diet Too

I laugh in the face of your fragile ways and simplistic conceptualizing.

Humans are hilarious. Seriously, knee-slapping content.

Here’s a one-liner for you:

No living thing consuming sustenance as a viable means of survival enjoys restriction.

How’s that for a quick ‘light-bulb’ awakening?

Just because your dog starts feeling some type of way when you stop feeding them from your fast food bag during one of your regularly scheduled pre-sleep binges while simultaneously skimping on their dog kernel scoops, doesn’t mean they’re humans just like you.

This just means your dog is hungry.

Stop reaching, you look desperate.

I want to share with you a brilliant sonnet I came across while looking at puppies on the internet. I think it sums up this section quite nicely.

It’s a poem entitled, “Food“, and it goes a little something like this:

Food, food food food, food food food food, food food

-Masterfully written by Francesco Marciuliano in I Could Chew on This

Is it just me, or is the word ‘food‘ starting to look really weird now. I think I wrote it too many times. What’s a food?

Also, if we’re fat, it’s your fault. How’s that for a taste of your own American obesity epidemic medicine?

All jokes aside, I think it’s important to understand how to feed your dog based on their size and desired weight. I have made this easy for you in a post I previously wrote. I’ll link it here for your convenience.

Your Dog Has a Jealous Streak

Oh, I see.

You thought we get jealous like all You other Joe Goldberg type lunatics when You come home smelling like another dog. (See what I did there with all of the You emphases in that sentence? Didn’t want you to miss it. I know how oblivious humans can be.)

I don’t call this jealously, but rather a clear declaration of domestic warfare brought on by the other dog that wrongly assumed they had a right to touch your hand with their head.

Now let me see your stinky hands, I should probably pee on them.

Jealousy (if that’s what you want to call this) doesn’t make us weak like humans. It makes us noble and strong like the Amazon Warriors from Paradise Island. Wonder Woman-esque, if you will.

Don’t worry, dogs have lots of super powers where those are concerned. Don’t believe me? Click this link – I’ve outlined it all for you right here.

Conclusive Brilliance from an Exception Cocker Spaniel

Your words, not mine.

I really just want to set the record straight here. What with the massive amounts of biased and innacurate information available on the inerwebs today, its disturbing.

Did you know they let anybody write articles and publish them on the innerwebs? Unbelievable. Wading through the copious amounts of written cow caca gets harder by the day.

Rest assured that the information I’m freely giving is conclusive and exact. I’m a dog. Who else to better enlighten you about dog consciousness than me?

Stop validating human articles attempting to tell you how your dog feels. Taking dog advice from a human is about as efficient as hiring a gold fish to manage your desk calendar. That’s insane. They would get your calendar wet.

Nailed it. This blog is a complete success while my audience may be a lacking failure.

Nevertheless, I would truly love it if you guys would continue to, Live, Love, Laugh, and Scratch our bellies often.

Love you guys,


P.S. If you’re new to this world, you may want to check out my Ultimate Guide for First Time Dog Parents. It’s a great reference to get you started on this journey.

Related Questions

Does My Dog Think We Are a Pack?

Dogs generalize humans as park of their pack with a few outliers.

While dogs innately and emotionally understand the difference between dogs and humans, they too differentiate their “pack” in the same way.

Domestic and trained dogs see humans as the dominant pack in comparison to a dog pack.

Does My Dog Think I’m the Alpha Pack Leader?

As a human, becoming your dog’s alpha is critical to obedience and continued dog training.

But how do you know how your dog rates you in the pack?

Two key behaviors will help clue you in to the way your dog thinks about you in terms of dominance.

  1. If your dog stares at you in the eyes for prolonged periods of time (in reference to possessions or food), then your dog does not respect you as a leader.
  2. If your dog growls at you when you get near their food or toys (not in a playful manner), then your dog does not respect you nor sees you as their alpha.

This article has been reviewed by our Editorial Board and has been approved for publication in accordance with our Editorial Policies.

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